Day 15

Right now I’m just wondering how I got here.  How did I end up in this place?  What do I need to do next?

Exhale. Inhale.  Exhale.  Inhale.

Is any of this worth it?  Am I going to try and try and my efforts be in vain?  Right now, I feel like I need to get my ducks in a row and build my wall.

Exhale.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Inhale.

How long do I let this drag out?  Months?  Years?

Waiting on God.  It’s only been two weeks and it seems like it’s been years.  In the back of my mind, even as I type this, I hear in a soft small voice, “Be still. Be still.  Be still.”  He knows I’m about to give up. He knows I’m about to just say, “Screw this all.  I’m done.”

6 months?  Do I owe him that?  Do I owe my little ladies that?  Right now, I’m pondering in my head how to keep him at a distance without hurting my children.

As you can see, I am in a very mad stage right now.  So, ya know… It’s not all strength and faith.

We had a great weekend.  I hate having to guard myself.  It’s not supposed to be that way is it?  You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to wear armor around your heart regarding the one you love.  AH!  Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Prov. 4:23  I’m so bad at that.  Ok, from here on out.  I’ve just got to.

Here’s my question… Where is the end of hope and the beginning of stupidity?

How long do I hold out this hope for?  Until I’m strong enough to walk away or I’m stupid enough to believe that things will work out… Or until, eyes are opened and a heart is softened.

I’m just really kind of upset with God right now.  Not, mad… Just confused.  Sad.  Why would He want me to go this life like this?  Why would He want me to feel this pain, this failing, this heartbroken?  I don’t understand the meaning behind any of this.  I know there must be a reason.  I know He is here with me and I know that He loves me, I just don’t get why He would set this plan in motion.

I see the end of the rope.  I can almost touch it.

But I did complete Love Dare for Day 15.  I’ve still got a little chug in my choo-choo.

Day 10

He who trusts in the Lord, loving kindness shall surround him.  (Psalm 32:10)

I’m just going to let this one sink in a little bit.  For a whole lot of reasons.  I’m going to read this one again, for the upteenth time, because… Wow.  Just wow.  He’s here.  He’s orchestrated this WHHOOOOOLE upheaval and I have MORE faith than EVER that He will see this desire of my heart through.  NOTHING is a coincidence.  NOTHING.  I see it now and I need to soak this up.  I’ll post my thoughts on this more tomorrow, but for now I’m going to sleep on this:

“But you will struggle and fail to attain this kind of marriage unless you allow God to begin growing His love within you.  Love that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7) does not come from within.  It can only come from God.

The Scriptures say that “neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).  This is God’s kind of love.  And thankfully – by your choice – it can become your kind of love.  But first you must receive it and share it.”

Oh, my….

Day 9

For I have come to have much joy and comfort in your love.  (Philemon 7)

Wow.  That’s all I can really say right now.  I haven’t posted in the last 4 days because God has picked me up and set my life on fire.  Not the burn that hurts, but the burn that leaves you new and cleansed, with no other option than to rise from the ashes.  The things that He has set in motion are un-be-lievable and I can’t wait to shout them from the rooftops, but for now I sit in quiet expectation of what He is going to do next.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I MUST move my feet in order to reach the mountain top, but never in my life have I been so still, just watching God unfold before my very eyes.  It’s almost easy to not move, to not act, better yet… to not react.  He is so much moving in my life right now that I don’t NEED to move.  I am so incredibly blessed just to sit back and watch God show off!  It’s unreal.  I am so extremely hopeful and feeling so strong because of Him.  Trust me, I get it.  I get the moments of shear terror and panic when you literally feel all alone.  Oh, Gosh, how miserable they are.  My last post was full of that and I’m sure it won’t be my last, because I am a relational person.  It is how God made me.  It is who I am.  I need to know that I am secure and loved and protected and I am, by The Best.  It has NOT been easy and my strength and positive outlook ONLY comes from God.  I pray for it every. single. day.  I have to.  And trust me again, I still have moments when I am just sick.  Or just tired.  Or just angry.  Lots of those… but, I vent to my inner circle (God bless those ladies for talking me off the ledge MORE than once.) and I get my head checked with a few conversations with God.  I have learned over the last two weeks that I can not control someone elses actions, HOWEVER… I am very much in control of how I react to others actions.  Do I choose to act out of love or do I choose to act out of anger?  9 times out of 10, scratch that, 10 times out of 10… I want to act out of anger and hurt and sadness and sometimes I have (always regretting that dumb choice, FYI), but what does that do???  It leaves me feeling absolutely lame and weak and it makes me feel horrible for not trusting.  Again.  I am strong because He makes me strong and Jesus dwells in me.  If He can do it, so can I… Only because I have invited Him into my heart and I have begged Him to take this life from me, it is ALL His.  And I CAN do this.  I can do this and be blessed, because this is His promise and He is ALWAYS faithful….

Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. (John 14:16)

I am going to claim my blessings because God promised them to me!

Love Dare Day 9:  To be honest, I haven’t done Day 8.  Not because I don’t want to, but because I haven’t had time to light a fire. I will.  I don’t want to live in the Depreciation Room where all I do is look for things that depreciate my what my heart truly appreciates about the gift that God sent me.  So, today’s dare was to greet with love.  I know I don’t always do this.  I greet with the mood that my day has trampled over me with.  I greet in defense.  I greet with battle armor on.  I greet with the attitude of “thanks for not showing me love today now I’m going to give you the cold shoulder because you are neglecting my needs” kind of hello.  Well, wouldn’t that suck!?  So, today… I greeted with the appreciation that I have for Luke, regardless if he is sharing that back to me, which he isn’t, but again… This in NOT about him.  This is about ME and learning to love the way that God loves me.  Everyday He greets me with a smile and hope, and He has called me to do the same.  No. Matter. What.  Yup, that’s a jagged little pill to swallow.

Day 5

Today has been a struggle for me… Let’s just be real.

I know that God is working.  I know they MY GOD is bigger than ANY obstacle I face and I KNOW that He has great plans for me, however….

There are times when I just feel run down.  My flesh and my doubters heart consume me.  I get sad.  Really sad.

I feel like I have been forsaken and I wonder if I have been forgotten about.  Has my hearts desires been forgotten?  When is it my turn?  Why am I asked to endure this?

And in those times, like right this second… I have to jump into my Bible.  I have to acknowledge the reality of spiritual welfare and stand firm in the promises of God.  I have to let God love on me and pick up my Weapon of choice to rise about the sadness in my soul.  I know where my strength comes from, and it doesnt come from me or anyone else for that matter.  This is my walk alone and only He knows my heart and all it is going through.  He is my protector and my deliverer.  I have this vision in my head of what it must be like for Him and I right now.  A very typical perent~child scenario, if you will.

Now, picture this.  I see myself literally being pulled through mud by Him, almost affixed to His back in some way.  I wish I could paint this visual, because it is so vivid and detailed in my mind.  He is trudging.  Hard… speaking love to me at the same time, knowing I HAVE to be carried.  I have to be carried or drug, because I don’t want to go.  I don’t want to walk this path, but He’s taking me.  And I am trying hard to have faith and I am trying hard to trust, but still unwilling to go. Still having to picked up and carried.  But!! Big BUT, He loves me ENOUGH to know what is on the other side of this muck and He loves me ENOUGH to pick me up and drag my stubborn self.  “Dang Kid!!”, I envision Him telling Himself while He’s got me… One handed.   Just like this…

Today’s dare:  Ask your partner what 3 things irritate or annoy them about you.  This one is hard for me.  I feel like I’m told what I do wrong all time.  I know these traits.  To ask again?  Do I really need to do this?  Do I need to be reminded of how inadequate I am?  Again?  Ugh!  I will.  As hard as this one is, I will do it.  If it’s this hard it’s probably something I need to do. 

The words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious. (Ecclesiastes 10:12)

Day 4

How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . .
How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them,
they would outnumber the sand. (Psalms 139:17–18)

Praising God today! Not because I know an iota of what is going on and I am more confused than ever, but… I KNOW He is guiding me and this situation!!

GOD IS GOOD!! ALL! THE! TIME!  I don’t like that lame cliche because of how easily it rolls off the tongue, but those who have walked through the fire and have not been burned… know how true it is!

God is at work.  As always, but it’s different this time.  I see it, I can sense it, and I can feel it in every fiber of my being and I praise Him in EVERY moment.

Today’s Dare… Be thoughtful and vocalize it.

I can do this… I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me, not some. ALL.

Day 3

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

Today marks one week from when my world was turned upside down.  One week.  I never thought I’d get through Day 1.  I never thought I’d be here to begin with.  I never thought I’d be living the life I had always feared.  It is getting a little easier.  It’s such a strange feeling.  Maybe the best word, is not “easy”, because I still wake up with puffy eyes from crying in my dreams and reach out for him in my subconscious sleep, but it’s a more peaceful heartbreak, if that makes any sense.  Tonight is our first night of counseling.  I know God will be there with us, I know He goes before us.  You know what it is?  I can feel the healing happening.  I can feel God’s presence and I can feel His work.  I dove into Psalms last night.  Something for the past week has been poking me to read Psalms.  For some reason or another, I always found myself searching for God’s revealing in another Book.  It was Romans, or John, or Philippians, but last night I saw an article about a relationship being saved and the scripture the woman referred to was Psalms 37: 4, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the pleasures of your heart.”  I have referred to this scripture over the last week many, many times.  I have prayed it and I have believed it, wholeheartedly.  I have ALWAYS believed this scripture.  Ironically, I stopped living it.  I got lost in trying to control the outcome and stopped delighting myself in the Lord.  I didn’t stop loving Him, but I did stop delighting myself in him.  I stopped believing that He WOULD give me the desires of my heart, so I figured I might as well just chase them down myself.  Bad idea.  So after reading Psalms 37, 38, and then back to Pslams 36 (this is a glimpse of how sporadic I am in searching for God right now) I found myself in Psalms 18.  I don’t think I ever read so fast and so much.  It was like I could not get the Word into my heart and flesh fast enough once I came upon it. Psalms 18: 30-36.  I gives me God chills to read it now…

As for God, his way is perfect:
    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.
³¹ For who is God besides the Lord?
    And who is the Rock except our God?
³² It is God who arms me with strength
    and keeps my way secure.
³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
    he causes me to stand on the heights.
³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;
    my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
³⁵ You make your saving help my shield,
    and your right hand sustains me;
    your help has made me great.
³⁶ You provide a broad path for my feet,
    so that my ankles do not give way.

He arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.  He has made me great.  Trust and confidence of who He believes I am, wrapped up in a nice little package for me.  I will cling to this.  Today and forever.  Exhale.

My Dare for today is to buy something to show Luke I was thinking of him today.  Intentional love.  Love as a verb. I’ve got this Dare. Easy Peasy.

Day 2

What is desirable in a man is his kindness. (Proverbs 19:22)

Kindness.  It’s so hard.  Not because I don’t want to do it, but because I’m afraid of doing the wrong things.  This is sometimes my only way to show love.  Sometimes, that is not what fills the heart.  I only know to “do” things for people and that may not be what makes them feel loved.  Today, I am choosing to put my broken heart aside and continue to show kindness without anything in return.  It may be a small gesture, but for my heart right now, the one that wants to crumble to pieces on the floor and feels moments of hopelessness, it is what I can do.  Cowboy Casserole on the porch at 5:30 am.  It’s all I’ve got when the distance seems so wide.  Show kindness.  God, go before me and show me the way.

Day 1

“See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

The words are so hard to come by right now.  I’m buried in my Bible begging God to reveal Himself to me.  The hardest thing for me right now is patience.  I am not good at waiting and right now, a second seems like eternity.  My restless heart is having a hard time waiting for God to work, but I will… Be still. Be still. Be still.

The Beginning

It all starts here…

This is where God met me.

In the blistering heat of day.

Willing to suffer to not feel ashamed.

Mistakes in my past haunting my value. My worth.

Lacking my confidence.

Living in sin with a man who would not or could not, marry me.

I am the Samaritan Woman.  I am Sam.

Like so many other women.

And this is where He met me.

At Jacob’s Well.

This is where the King of Kings, the man sent to save the world and die for our sinning hearts met ME.  This is where he CHOSE me.  To fill me with hope and love and to give me all the desires of my heart.  All I had to do was… take a drink.

And how thirsty I was.